"EAT TO LIVE OR LIVE TO EAT?"

What a beautiful day today, took the children for a walk. Can't wait for the weekend to be with family, but not looking forward to watching what I am eating. Easter is one of the holidays I look forward to. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes with gravy mmmmmmmmmmmmm. This will definitely be a test. I may have to starve myself all day and eat all my meals at dinner. Hope that I don't get overly hungry and end up eating more than I need to. We will see how it all work es out. Today I didn't even feel like eating. Now instead of thinking about eating, I am thinking about exercising to even everything out. One day I am sure everything will come naturally and I won't have to think, I will just know. Can't wait for that day. I am really enjoying exercising again . . . I know! surprising. Even more so now that I understand how everything works. Because I don't drive, I am used to walking or riding where I need to go when my husband can't take me. But exercising and not losing weight was extremely frustrating, so I didn't enjoy it anymore. Now I know what to do, what intensity I need to do it and for how long. I am starting to like it again. My bottom is killing me though, from riding my bike so much . . . Why can't they make bikes with more comfortable seats? And while they are at that, add a TV as well . . . LOL!

DAY THREE . . .

FOOD JOURNAL- BREAKFAST- METAMUCIL, 4 MELBA TOAST, 1 SLICE TURKEY BACON, 2 EGG WHITES . . . LUNCH- DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO EAT . . . DINNER - 1C SHRIMP AND SPINACH RICE . . . SNACKS- 6 PIECES CHOCOLATE . . . EXTRAS - EXERCISE JOURNAL- MORNING- 40 MINUTES BIKE - SPEED 25 (1), 20 MINUTES WALKING TREADMILL, INTERVAL - 1 MINUTE JOGGING - SPEED 7, RECOVERY - SPEED 3, 4 MINUTES WEIGHTS . . . EVENING-

JUST SAY NO!!!

Won't even go there . . . messed up, realized that I definitely need to figure out how to say no when I go to someones house and stick to it. Why do I sacrifice what I am working so hard at doing so I don't hurt other peoples feelings. How do you stick to what you are doing and not offend the people you are visiting. I still did good, but no where near where I should have been or could have been had I have stayed at home. Do I lock myself up inside until I figure it out??? I need to put myself first and say no and stick by it!!!

DAY TWO . . .

FOOD JOURNAL . . . BREAKFAST - METAMUCIL,FLAX, CANTALOUPE AND STRAWBERRIES WITH LOW FAT PLAIN YOGURT . . . LUNCH - VEGGIE BURGER, WW ENGLISH MUFFIN SPREAD WITH 1/4 AVOCADO, GARLIC, SALT, TOMATOE. 1/2C RAPINE AND PLAIN MINT TEA . . . DINNER - 4OZ LEMON/HERB TROUT WITH 1/4 SERVING COUSCOUS WITH TOMATOES AND GARLIC. 1/2C BROCCOLI . . . SNACKS - 1/2C SKIM MILK . . . + + + + + + :( EXERCISE JOURNAL . . . MORNING - 15 MINUTES TREADMILL - SPEED 5, 15 MINUTES AEROBICS, 15 MINUTES MAT WORK, 5 MINUTES STEP, 4 MINUTES WEIGHTS (5LBS) 2 SETS 10 . . .

GETTING IT TOGETHER . . .

I am feeling like I finally understand how input and output of calories work thanks to a website I accidentally landed upon. www.caloriesperhour.com It may have taken me a long time to figure it out, but now I really have no excuse not to lose at least 1 pound a week. I am the one in control!!! I am curious to see if it really works. . . Now, a point I need to make about food that says "low fat". BEWARE!!! I was doing fantastic all day until I made low fat blueberry scones for my daughter. I was still doing well until after dinner when I said to myself How bad could it be??? They are home made, low fat,they have blueberries in them. . . sounds like a great snack doesn't it? NOT!!! Way more calories than they were delicious. OMG!!! I had to spend 50 extra minutes riding my bike to get back on track. Sooooooooo not worth it. NOTE TO SELF . . . ALWAYS CHECK CALORIES AND HOW BAD YOU REALLY WANT IT BEFORE EATING IT. I am slowly getting it together

DAY ONE . . . NOT TOO BAD :)

FOOD JOURNAL- BREAKFAST- METAMUCIL, 1 TBSP FLAX, 1C CHEERIOS WITH ½C SKIM MILK . . . LUNCH- 1C KASHA VARNISHKAS, 1C CARROTS WITH 2TBSP RANCH DRESSING . . . DINNER- SPAGHETTI SQUASH WITH AVOCADO PESTO 1 1/3rdC, 4OZ BREADED TURKEY CUTLET, 3 MINI BOCCONCINI WITH BASIL, TOMATOES, SALT . . . SNACKS-1 TBSP WALNUTS, ORANGE, PLAIN MINT TEA . . . EXTRAS . . . O CALORIE EXTRA GUM, 2 LOW FAT BLUEBERRY SCONES . . . EXERCISE JOURNAL- MORNING- 20 MINUTES BIKE - SPEED 25 (2), 28 MINUTES WALKING TREADMILL - SPEED 5, 8 MINUTES JOGGING - SPEED 6, 6 MINUTES WEIGHTS (5 SETS 10) 4 MUSCLE GROUPS - 2 DIFFERENT EXERCISES FOR EACH, 2 MINUTES PUNCHING BAG . . . EVENING- 50 MINUTES BIKE - 24 (1) 6 MINUTES PUNCHING BAG . . .

"IF YOU FAIL TO PLAN THEN YOU PLAN TO FAIL"

Ok, so tomorrow is the big day! I have prepared my journals, got my grocery list ready, weighed/measured myself . . . OUCH!!! Stuffed everything in my mouth that I could ever possibly crave on my journey and probably gained another 5 pounds that I am going to now have to lose again. I know kinda defeating the purpose, but in my mind I needed to get rid of the cravings . . ok, I can't even give a good explination for that except that it probably wasn't a very smart idea :( Moving right along. Figured out my RMR (resting metabolic rate)Can't go over it. Need to burn 500+ calories/day for the week exercising in order to lose one pound . . . WOW!!! Seemed so easy to put it on, but so difficult to get back off. No use crying over spilt milk now is there. I am very excited to get this journey started. Woke up this morning to the birds chirping, the crisp smell of spring in the air, not much sunshine, but that is ok. My friend the Robin is back in our yard, went for a long walk with my children in the rain. They are very confident that I can do this. My daughter is my biggest supporter. She even made me my own exercise video featuring her. It was so cute and very much appreciated. Everything seems to be in place, all planned and ready to go!!! So let the journey begin . . .

TO? OR NOT TO?

Went to the movies with my husband and I chose to still have popcorn, but I got margarine instead of butter on it, what a great start . . . NOT!!! They say every little bit helps, not sure how true that is in this instance. Well going to take my own advice and not beat myself up about it and move on. Having a glass of wine and going to bed . . . night, night!!!

WHAT AM I CRAZY???

I woke up suddenly out of my sleep thinking . . . I must be crazy! No I am crazy!!! Putting my most intimate thoughts and feelings out there. What am I doing? Then I realized that if I can help at least one person on my road to finding myself, then it was all worth it. So what if people find out that I am not as together as everyone thinks. So what if I am obsessed with weight. Could be a lot worse now couldn't it? When I say obsessed, I mean when I play I am thinking about what I can do to lose weight, when I am eating, I am thinking about how miserable it was that I ate what I shouldn't have eaten, when I am walking, shopping, cooking, watching TV, sleeping, bathing, you name it I am constantly thinking about what I am going to do this time, how I can do it and when I am going to start. I have had at least a gazillion starting dates and am still in the same spot I was and have been for years. How do I teach myself that I don't have to beat myself up because I ate something I wasn't suppose to eat, then not to get in a funk and start eating everything in sight just to make me feel better and end up feeling sick and guilty at the end of it. As I sit here typing I am realizing how ridiculous I sound and yet it is something that I do very often. It is like a vicious circle. I have control over every other aspect of my life, but for some reason I can't get control over this part. Why is it so hard? I know what to do, I know it works, but why can't I do it??? CRAZY? MAYBE, BUT THIS IS ONE CRAZY RACE I PLAN ON WINNING . . . CRAZY OR NOT!!!

WHERE DO I START?

As I sit in my bed early one morning, thinking how am I going to go about finding myself, I remembered a book that my Aunt had given to me shortly after my birthday called "Simple Abundance A Day Book of Comfort and Joy" by Sarah Ban Breathnach and began reading as I was on the treadmill each morning. This was it . . . This is where I would start. The book helps you remember why you are here, to Cherish the little things and so much more. I began following the advice given . . . I started a gratitude journal, I take one day a month (for now) and go out on my own for a couple hours. It was extremely hard for me, the guilt I felt to be enjoying this time without my family. My husband and I have date nights where we go for a walk, bowling, for a coffee, the movies, what ever suits our fancy. I have started saying how I feel instead of hoping that everyone else will just automatically know and that has made the world of difference. Now, over the past couple months I have been putting together my goals for my weight loss journey. This is not coming along so well. As hard as I try or think I am trying, it isn't going well at all. I get one started and am doing well and all of a sudden I am looking to do something else. It is never good enough, something is always better to do, or is that just an excuse to stop, eat what ever while I am redoing my program and then get started again. I think that is more like the excuse to eat that I have found and use way too often. If you go through my drawers you will find great intentions, mounds and mounds of diets, programs, journals, exercises, but non have ever been followed through for more that 2-3 weeks. How do I get past that? How do I convince myself that I can do this? How do I get rid of those damn excuses once and for all?

NO BETTER TIME THAN THE PRESENT . . .

Turning 40 was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. I was surrounded by all the people I loved and who loved me as well. I always knew they cared, but for some reason sitting there in front of my cake with 40 smoking candles looking up and seeing all the smiles and realizing they were there for me! They could be any where that day and they chose to be with me! This was a real eye opener. People do care and think the world of me and weren't afraid to tell me. It was at this time that I began to evaluate my life. I had and still have an amazing family and great friends. I would do anything for them as they would do for me. I had devoted all I had to them and enjoyed every minute of it, but things were about to change and was I really ready? My son would be heading off to University soon, my daughter is going to want to be with her friends more and where would I be? I am now a middle aged woman who has let herself go thinking it was the right thing to do in order to care for everyone else. I had put my life on hold for them. I am not complaining, I would do it all over again, but this time I would slip in a bit more me time so I won't end up where I am now . . . I had every opportunity to take care of myself, in fact my husband encouraged it all the time, but I chose not to for whatever reason. Maybe I felt guilty spending precious time on myself when I could be spending it with my family, who really knows, all I know is that I have a lot of work to do. I need to try and get myself back. I needed to find Eva, not mom, not daughter, not wife, not sister, not care giver, but EVA!!! How on earth would I ever do that? Trying to get "me" back. I realized that I had never been anywhere by myself in over 20 years. thought I was independent, but realized that I was really dependent, strong, but dependent. If I wasn't with my husband/children, I was with a friend. I am over weight, have high cholesterol, slightly blocked arteries in my legs and have no idea where to start. This is where my journey begins . . . No better time than the present . . .

LITTLE DID I KNOW . . .

When I was dating my now husband, over 20 years ago I remember joking with him and saying . . . "will you still love me when I am 200 pounds?" He replied "yes". I then preceded to ask him if he "would still love me when I am 300 pounds?" Never in a million years did I think I would ever reach either. He replied "Of course, but you will never get there!" Guess what I am there and have no idea how in the world I got there. Glad to report he kept his word and I love him for that!!!