I woke up suddenly out of my sleep thinking . . . I must be crazy! No I am crazy!!! Putting my most intimate thoughts and feelings out there. What am I doing? Then I realized that if I can help at least one person on my road to finding myself, then it was all worth it. So what if people find out that I am not as together as everyone thinks. So what if I am obsessed with weight. Could be a lot worse now couldn't it? When I say obsessed, I mean when I play I am thinking about what I can do to lose weight, when I am eating, I am thinking about how miserable it was that I ate what I shouldn't have eaten, when I am walking, shopping, cooking, watching TV, sleeping, bathing, you name it I am constantly thinking about what I am going to do this time, how I can do it and when I am going to start. I have had at least a gazillion starting dates and am still in the same spot I was and have been for years. How do I teach myself that I don't have to beat myself up because I ate something I wasn't suppose to eat, then not to get in a funk and start eating everything in sight just to make me feel better and end up feeling sick and guilty at the end of it. As I sit here typing I am realizing how ridiculous I sound and yet it is something that I do very often. It is like a vicious circle. I have control over every other aspect of my life, but for some reason I can't get control over this part. Why is it so hard? I know what to do, I know it works, but why can't I do it??? CRAZY? MAYBE, BUT THIS IS ONE CRAZY RACE I PLAN ON WINNING . . . CRAZY OR NOT!!!
Friday, March 26, 2010
WHAT AM I CRAZY???
I woke up suddenly out of my sleep thinking . . . I must be crazy! No I am crazy!!! Putting my most intimate thoughts and feelings out there. What am I doing? Then I realized that if I can help at least one person on my road to finding myself, then it was all worth it. So what if people find out that I am not as together as everyone thinks. So what if I am obsessed with weight. Could be a lot worse now couldn't it? When I say obsessed, I mean when I play I am thinking about what I can do to lose weight, when I am eating, I am thinking about how miserable it was that I ate what I shouldn't have eaten, when I am walking, shopping, cooking, watching TV, sleeping, bathing, you name it I am constantly thinking about what I am going to do this time, how I can do it and when I am going to start. I have had at least a gazillion starting dates and am still in the same spot I was and have been for years. How do I teach myself that I don't have to beat myself up because I ate something I wasn't suppose to eat, then not to get in a funk and start eating everything in sight just to make me feel better and end up feeling sick and guilty at the end of it. As I sit here typing I am realizing how ridiculous I sound and yet it is something that I do very often. It is like a vicious circle. I have control over every other aspect of my life, but for some reason I can't get control over this part. Why is it so hard? I know what to do, I know it works, but why can't I do it??? CRAZY? MAYBE, BUT THIS IS ONE CRAZY RACE I PLAN ON WINNING . . . CRAZY OR NOT!!!
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