UPDATES . . .

OK! I am still alive! Very busy and really nothing to talk about, but alive!!! I am still eating what I want . . . not so good as I gained 4 pounds, but I have been a tad stressed. My IBS has been acting up lately, so right now I need to get that under control in order to feel well enough to get back into my exercise routine. I am enjoying my book . . . almost finished . . . I am starting to believe the author stole my thoughts and stories and put her name on it LOL! I can so relate to what she is saying. When I have more to report, I will be back!!! Until then, wish me luck!!!

EXERCISE, OH WHAT FUN . . .

Who knew that exercise could be so much fun? Well actually I did until I started to make it about the "burn". I needed a little reminder to get me back on target . . . thanks!!! I went and found all my old dance videos, yes still on VHS and put one in this morning and I did hip hop and continued on to do ballet. I had fun and my muscles are more sore than if I had done 1 hour on the bike or treadmill. I am out of practice, and not very graceful any more, but who is watching???? Next is belly dancing!!! Can't wait until I actually have the "belly" for belly dancing. I give new meaning to the shimmy, but I love it!!! Forgot how much fun it was!!!

OBSESSION . . .

"Obsession gives you something to do besides having your heart shattered by heart shattering events." Geneen Roth couldn't have said it better. If I remember correctly I mention in my profile my weight gain going down hill following a car accident that my family and I had where I immediately realized that "bad" things really can happen and we have no control over them unfortunately. Were things too good? I, to this day worry every time a family member leaves the house without me. (hence why I always have my family with me where ever I go?)My obsession with food and the guilt that goes with it is my escape from the every day worry over possible heart shattering events that are beyond my control. My focus immediately shifts from my worry and horrible thoughts of what could be to my obsession with food which is comforting and so much easier to deal with. When things are good, bad things happen, so eat to shift my focus from bad things happening to my obsession with food or do I eat to keep things from being"too good" so bad things won't happen ("knock on wood")??? Does that even make sense??? OMG!!! Am I on the right track or am I just grasping at straws?

EAT WHAT YOUR BODY CRAVES . . .

I had the bestest lunch - I know that bestest isn't a word, but it is the only way to describe this lunch. I actually ate it because I wanted it, not because it would help me on my road to losing weight. I ate what my body was craving and it was delicious . . . veggie burger with avocado, chili pepper with splash of lime, lettuce, tomatoe with sauteed mushrooms, red peppers, onions on a whole grain round. Yummy!!! and I didn't feel guilty!!! I have to say it is hard not to look at the calories or follow a planned menu, but I am trying very hard. My mind keeps going back to the only way anyone can possibly lose weight is too deprive themselves, count calories and be unhappy around food. How can it be possible to lose weight eating what your body wants? Well lets just say the other way hasn't worked, so why not have an open mind and give this a try . . . "enlightenment is following one thing to the end." I will follow this to the end.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT . . .

Relax, Stop over thinking, Trust yourself and Enjoy life . . .

WHAT AM I HOLDING ONTO? . . .

I just want to thank the person who recommended this book to me and I highly recommend it to others. I am now on the 11th page and I already have goose bumps! In the book the author discusses how a particular women felt as she felt she always had “to be broken." Many, including myself can relate . . . If you keep yourself wounded and damaged, you will be loved . . . I have already mentioned in earlier blogs that I am scared if I lose the weight, the people who love me now, may not love me anymore??? As I read on she talks about"resistance to the pain can be worse than the pain . . . " "It's like saying goodness is not just for everyone, it is for me . . ." for some reason, this made me remember a moment in my childhood. When I was younger, after my mom got sick. I remember a conversation my dad had with someone, not sure who. My dad had mentioned that my mom made a comment about things going "too good" and that she felt like something was going to happen. She ended up with a terminal illness.( I am in tears as I type because I miss her soooo much I can't stand it!!!xoxoxox.) I, several times over the years would remember this particular conversation. I remember telling my sister-in-law years ago that I sometimes would pick a fight with my husband just so things wouldn't be "too good." I was afraid of things being "too good." She just laughed as did I. Is it possible that maybe deep down inside I found an easier way to keep things from being "too good" which technically only affects me personally? (my weight?) Hmmmm . . . If I always have this weight "problem," things will never be "too good" and therefore nothing "bad" will happen. Maybe subconsciously keeping this weight on will keep my family from having to deal with what we had to because things were "going too good" ????? WHEN THINGS ARE GOING GOOD, BAD THINGS HAPPEN????? WOW!! Could it even be possible? Of course I know that isn't the way life works, ("knock on wood") but as silly as it sounds - it makes so much sense! Now, how do I change it? I was always aware that people who over eat were eating because of unresolved issues from their past. I thought I was different. What could I possibly have in my past that could be affecting me now? I made peace with my past, my past made me who I am today and I regret nothing. Why would something from my past make me want to eat? What am I holding onto? This is going to be a long journey!!! Am I truly ready for the truth???

ALWAYS FINISH WHAT YOU START . . .

OK! I know I haven't been on for a while and I can use the excuse that I am busy - Which I am, but deep down inside there is more too it. . . I haven't yet figured it out. I really thought I had and then it hits me that I really haven't and that is a bit discouraging. I so wish there was a magic word I could use that will set me on the right track, a track for life that works for me. I am once again trying to find some kind of eating/exercising pattern that works long term. There has to be a less confusing way. As I mentioned before I am taking a break from the regimented program that I had myself on which I thought was the right way. Now I am thinking that the right way is to actually work from the inside out. I have just purchased a book called "WOMEN FOOD AND GOD An Unexpected Path to Almost Everything," by Geneen Roth. This is a book my Aunt (who has been such a big support system) told me about. I am going to get reading it immediately and we will see . . . The first sentence of the front cover . . . "If you suffer about your relationship with food - you eat too much or too little, think about what you will eat constantly or try not to think about it at all - you can be free. . ." Crazy enough, if you read my first couple blogs, I talk about the exact same thing and how I am constantly thinking about food etc. I am looking forward to reading this book and hopefully it will give me some form of direction. It is so much easier to just give up, but I am bound and determined to finish what I have started. I am hoping that by the time my journey has ended, I will finally have found what I have been looking for and I can almost guarantee it will have hardly nothing to do with food or weight . . .