PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE . . .

Having some kinda break through . . . Eating . . . no more scale, no more menus, no more, no more, no more!!! I eat what I crave, which isn’t very much lately, as I am very busy which probably isn’t that good either. I am more aware of what I am eating and trying to nibble more with small meals than with larger ones! While trying to get my IBS in order, I found out that by cutting out fried foods, dairy, and wheat, I don’t feel sluggish and yucky any more. I read an article which said stress as well as eating foods that your body has a sensitivity to can lead to weight gain. So I have been watching that and it seems to be going well. Less stressful!!! Yesterday, I lied outside in the sun in my new bathing suit Frank and Mar got me, put Nick’s headphones on, listened to my 80s music and didn't have a clue what was going on around me. It was soooo nice. No one bothered me, I didn’t feel guilty and before I knew it it was dinner and the patio table was set and food out . . . now how on earth did that happen without me knowing!!! They got me two cute bathing suits that I absolutely love. I actually feel comfortable enough in it to go swimming without a T-shirt. They even got me a cover up to wear on the beach that makes me look human instead of a slump of who knows what in an over sized T-shirt. I haven’t lost weight yet, but have come very far with other things that I think will help me in the near future with my weight. I am learning to accept how I look and it is so much less stressful than getting upset every time I have to go out, look in the mirror etc. If I can’t feel good about myself, how can I expect others too. What does this journey have in store for me next? I really want this to be a long term change as appose to a quick fix and am willing to take the time in order for that to happen . . . I am happy with all the emotional learning that is taking place, but who am I kidding, I am hoping it doesn’t take forever for me to see the physical results as well . . . Patience is a virtue as my mom used to say!!!

"MY NEW VOICE . . . "

Just got back from an amazing mini trip with my family. My husband took us to a place that my family and I went over 30 years ago. It was also the first place my husband and I went on our own for the first time after being married and I was tickled pink to be returning after many years. This is where I finished Geene Roth's book - I am sad to say, but I thoroughly enjoyed it and will miss reading it. She truly knew exactly how I was feeling. It felt good to know I wasn't alone or crazy!!! I will be reading it again! Any way what a great place to finally finish it and put some of what I learned to use ." We had the most perfect weather, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, the bull frogs were bloooppping and I was with my family, what more could I ask for. . . Well! my son couldn't make it, so this was the first "family" trip without him, but instead of dwelling on it I decided to take advantage of this time with my daughter. She hasn't ever been anywhere without her brother, but we had fun. I had time to enjoy some nice conversation with my husband and found out stuff that I didn't know about him . . . hard to believe that after 24 years, there are still things I don't know. So it was nice to talk about just us. And every now and then we would look up to make sure Mar was still on the beach LOL!!! I discussed for the first time with him how I was feeling about my weight. He told me how he felt. It turns out that he doesn’t feel how I thought he did! This was a big weight off my shoulders. He wasn’t just saying it, I could truly see that he meant what he was saying. I learned a lot more about him and can't wait to learn even more. I had a very nice car ride there and back, I only slammed on my breaks once (I wasn't driving) which is a feat in itself. No panic attacks or anxiety at all. At times "The Voice" tried to sneak in and say "what is wrong with you, you are in the car and suppose to be clenching your fists and teeth and wanting to jump out while it is moving, what’s going on?"I simply told it to get lost and off I went to a better place. On this trip I also asserted my own will I guess you could say. I chose not to go fishing. You see, I am always doing everything everyone wants and I do enjoy it, but sometimes I realized that I may enjoy doing something else as well every now and then. So as much as I love fishing with my family, we had already been earlier that morning and I really wanted to relax and finish my book under the tree, so I said that I would rather stay back and they should go and have fun!!! Guess what???? THE WORLD DIDN'T COLLAPSE, and MY FAMILY DIDN'T DISOWN ME!!!! They were very supportive!!! It was rather nice for all three of us. Just in that one day, I not only did something because I wanted to and voiced my feelings, I stayed by myself in a strange place, and "The Voice" that normally would have told me I couldn't, shouldn't do it was no where to be found . . . What an accomplishment . . . "

"THE VOICE . . . "

I just finished reading "Women Food and God" A must read for all of you who have a weight problem or think you do. Having read this book, I realized so many things that have absolutely nothing to do with my weight. It was a real eye opener . . . as I already knew, you can change the outside all you want, but 9/10 times, it isn't what is on the outside that needs fixing. I figured out that as much as I thought I love being around my family (and I still do)I realized that I am using them to make me happy, when I should be looking to myself for the happiness. I am responsible for my own happiness, no one else. I can say "no" and the world won't fall apart. I can do things on my own and I/they will all be fine. I also learned that I have an over active "voice" that ironically talks more than I do (if you can believe that!!!). Everyone has "The Voice."It acts as a “moral compass.” The voice steps in when we want to challenge the "norm.” When used positively it can be very useful, but when it starts running your life and prevents you from seeing things objectively and with honest truth, then it begins draining your strength, passion and energy and turns it against you. You begin believing these distorted ½ truths and it leaves you feeling defeated and weak and you desperately need a quick fix!!!"The biggest obstacle to any kind of transformation is the voice that tells you it is impossible. It says: You've always been like this, you'll always be like this, what's the point . . . have you taken a look at those arms recently" . . .That hair. Those thighs. Why do you even bother? . . ." If you are constantly telling yourself that you are fat and should be ashamed of yourself, you will begin believing it and then the cycle begins. You will continue to be ashamed and anxious. The key is to disengage from "The Voice"and when you do you can begin to ask yourself what you are unhappy with, is there anything you can do to change it? Give "The Voice" a name. This is very important in my life as I used to always walk around listening to myself say . . . "there is food over there, I am going to think about it and then want it before I know it.” I say this in my mind before I even feel it, setting myself up for failure. It doesn't just affect my eating, it affects my life all around from getting into the car ( I am telling myself that I am going to be anxious and I don't want to go), setting myself up before I even get into the car, telling myself I can't go anywhere alone or I will be pent up with fear and anxiety, my family will miss me and I won't enjoy it, so why bother . . . I have been bound by "The Voice" in a very negative way and I refuse to let that continue any longer. I am giving myself a "New Voice" and lets see where that takes me . . .

UPDATES . . .

OK! I am still alive! Very busy and really nothing to talk about, but alive!!! I am still eating what I want . . . not so good as I gained 4 pounds, but I have been a tad stressed. My IBS has been acting up lately, so right now I need to get that under control in order to feel well enough to get back into my exercise routine. I am enjoying my book . . . almost finished . . . I am starting to believe the author stole my thoughts and stories and put her name on it LOL! I can so relate to what she is saying. When I have more to report, I will be back!!! Until then, wish me luck!!!

EXERCISE, OH WHAT FUN . . .

Who knew that exercise could be so much fun? Well actually I did until I started to make it about the "burn". I needed a little reminder to get me back on target . . . thanks!!! I went and found all my old dance videos, yes still on VHS and put one in this morning and I did hip hop and continued on to do ballet. I had fun and my muscles are more sore than if I had done 1 hour on the bike or treadmill. I am out of practice, and not very graceful any more, but who is watching???? Next is belly dancing!!! Can't wait until I actually have the "belly" for belly dancing. I give new meaning to the shimmy, but I love it!!! Forgot how much fun it was!!!

OBSESSION . . .

"Obsession gives you something to do besides having your heart shattered by heart shattering events." Geneen Roth couldn't have said it better. If I remember correctly I mention in my profile my weight gain going down hill following a car accident that my family and I had where I immediately realized that "bad" things really can happen and we have no control over them unfortunately. Were things too good? I, to this day worry every time a family member leaves the house without me. (hence why I always have my family with me where ever I go?)My obsession with food and the guilt that goes with it is my escape from the every day worry over possible heart shattering events that are beyond my control. My focus immediately shifts from my worry and horrible thoughts of what could be to my obsession with food which is comforting and so much easier to deal with. When things are good, bad things happen, so eat to shift my focus from bad things happening to my obsession with food or do I eat to keep things from being"too good" so bad things won't happen ("knock on wood")??? Does that even make sense??? OMG!!! Am I on the right track or am I just grasping at straws?

EAT WHAT YOUR BODY CRAVES . . .

I had the bestest lunch - I know that bestest isn't a word, but it is the only way to describe this lunch. I actually ate it because I wanted it, not because it would help me on my road to losing weight. I ate what my body was craving and it was delicious . . . veggie burger with avocado, chili pepper with splash of lime, lettuce, tomatoe with sauteed mushrooms, red peppers, onions on a whole grain round. Yummy!!! and I didn't feel guilty!!! I have to say it is hard not to look at the calories or follow a planned menu, but I am trying very hard. My mind keeps going back to the only way anyone can possibly lose weight is too deprive themselves, count calories and be unhappy around food. How can it be possible to lose weight eating what your body wants? Well lets just say the other way hasn't worked, so why not have an open mind and give this a try . . . "enlightenment is following one thing to the end." I will follow this to the end.