DAY 4 . . . AWESOME!!!

Today for lunch we had a grilled tomato, pesto and a bit of cheese sandwich on two pieces of Ezekiel bread . . . yuuuummmm! It wasn't very much, but it was delicious and satisfying. I wasn't hungry until dinner :) For dinner I had a spinach, asparagus salad with a warm balsamic vinaigrette. I have to admit I wasn't sure I would like it. I never eat asparagus , raw spinach or raw onions and this recipe had all 3, but I was pleasantly pleased and it was actually very delicious and filling. I added some red leaf lettuce and romaine with the spinach because I didn't think I would like raw spinach on its own. Scrumptious!!! Frank and I sat and enjoyed our salad together because the kids were out and it was quite nice. Eating smaller "real" food dinners hasn't been too bad and having Frank doing it along side me is awesome :)

DAY 3 . . . SWEET POTATOES???

Fell into old habits last night, got bored at 10 and ate something that wasn't considered "real" food, could have made a better choice and didn't, but stopped myself 1/2 way through and didn't beat myself up about it!!! Today is a new day and had steel cut oatmeal for breakfast . . . not so sure I really like it without brown sugar, but it works well in cleaning out your system, so I am keeping it! Trying sweet potatoes for lunch instead of white potatoes. I love my white potatoes. Lets see how it goes. So excited we have been able to open the windows the last couple days. My allergies aren't so happy, but who cares . . . fresh air again!!! __________________________________________________ Sweet potatoes . . . ummm ya! Not for me! Frank loves them, but I can't stomach them. Something about a potatoe being sweet, no! I will stick to 1/2 a regular potatoe instead thanks ;)

DAY 2 . . . EATING TO LIVE, NOT LIVING TO EAT A WHOLE NEW PERSPECTIVE!!!

Yesterday wasn't too bad! Ate "real" foods all day/night. Miss my salt sooo much. Food just isn't the same, but I am sure that once I figure out how to spice foods without salt it will be just as tasty. Today had breakfast as soon as I woke. Drinking lots of water, steaming and grilling veg, eating a lot of chicken and fish. Eating a bigger breakfast and lunch and smaller dinner with my plate full of vegetables. No refined sugars at all, how is that even possible for me??? Felt good yesterday, not sluggish. Felt hungry at times, so ate fruit and vegetables and I was good to go!!! It is a bit easier because everyone in the house is doing the same thing. Have not been making my gourmet meals lately, simple ones for a while so I hope the kids don't get bored. When I get the hang of it, I will start adapting my gourmet meals to suit our new needs, don't have the time right now. Found these cool crackers that are all natural, organic, kosher, dairy, wheat, gluten free, no hydrog. oils, no trans fat and have flax in them! Hey they are not as tasty as my normal crackers, but they pack a crunch and are satisfying!!! (Mary's Organic Crackers) Going away this weekend and hope that I can continue my new way of eating. I am not on a diet, I am just changing my diet to what my body needs to survive. I realize I don't need all that I have been eating previous, but I do need what I am eating now in order to survive.

NEEEEEEEXT . . .

I am back!!! Haven't been watching myself over the summer, been busy with the family enjoying myself and not thinking or worrying about anything and it has been nice. Very proud of my "emotional" journey progress, now for my "food" journey progress. Making some headway, slowly, but surely. Realized that I eat more salt, oils, "healthy foods" etc. than I thought. My main sit down meals have been very nutritious, but the nibbling in between that is killing me. I need to eat for what it is that I want to accomplish . . . As much as I want to say I can eat anything I want, I can't! I need to eat "healthy" with healthy foods that won't continue to pack the pounds on. Beans, eating way too many, thought they were healthy, and they are, but not for what it is I am trying to accomplish which is to get healthy and lose weight. So instead of having beans, nuts avocado etc. 4x/wk, only have them 1-2x/wk. Starting a new plan, I can eat what ever I want as long as it isn't junk, processed, jarred, canned or salt filled foods. No salt (very hard) everything tastes so bland without it. I need to find spices that add a similar flavour and I will be OK. Other than my withdrawals over salt, today has been good so far. My menu is limited, but will learn to make great things with what I have. I have to say I am a bit hungry right now so I am going to have some quinoa with peppers, mushrooms, onions and shrimp with a tomatoe salad . . . hope it fills me up. Will let you know how I feel all round over the next week.

PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE . . .

Having some kinda break through . . . Eating . . . no more scale, no more menus, no more, no more, no more!!! I eat what I crave, which isn’t very much lately, as I am very busy which probably isn’t that good either. I am more aware of what I am eating and trying to nibble more with small meals than with larger ones! While trying to get my IBS in order, I found out that by cutting out fried foods, dairy, and wheat, I don’t feel sluggish and yucky any more. I read an article which said stress as well as eating foods that your body has a sensitivity to can lead to weight gain. So I have been watching that and it seems to be going well. Less stressful!!! Yesterday, I lied outside in the sun in my new bathing suit Frank and Mar got me, put Nick’s headphones on, listened to my 80s music and didn't have a clue what was going on around me. It was soooo nice. No one bothered me, I didn’t feel guilty and before I knew it it was dinner and the patio table was set and food out . . . now how on earth did that happen without me knowing!!! They got me two cute bathing suits that I absolutely love. I actually feel comfortable enough in it to go swimming without a T-shirt. They even got me a cover up to wear on the beach that makes me look human instead of a slump of who knows what in an over sized T-shirt. I haven’t lost weight yet, but have come very far with other things that I think will help me in the near future with my weight. I am learning to accept how I look and it is so much less stressful than getting upset every time I have to go out, look in the mirror etc. If I can’t feel good about myself, how can I expect others too. What does this journey have in store for me next? I really want this to be a long term change as appose to a quick fix and am willing to take the time in order for that to happen . . . I am happy with all the emotional learning that is taking place, but who am I kidding, I am hoping it doesn’t take forever for me to see the physical results as well . . . Patience is a virtue as my mom used to say!!!

"MY NEW VOICE . . . "

Just got back from an amazing mini trip with my family. My husband took us to a place that my family and I went over 30 years ago. It was also the first place my husband and I went on our own for the first time after being married and I was tickled pink to be returning after many years. This is where I finished Geene Roth's book - I am sad to say, but I thoroughly enjoyed it and will miss reading it. She truly knew exactly how I was feeling. It felt good to know I wasn't alone or crazy!!! I will be reading it again! Any way what a great place to finally finish it and put some of what I learned to use ." We had the most perfect weather, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, the bull frogs were bloooppping and I was with my family, what more could I ask for. . . Well! my son couldn't make it, so this was the first "family" trip without him, but instead of dwelling on it I decided to take advantage of this time with my daughter. She hasn't ever been anywhere without her brother, but we had fun. I had time to enjoy some nice conversation with my husband and found out stuff that I didn't know about him . . . hard to believe that after 24 years, there are still things I don't know. So it was nice to talk about just us. And every now and then we would look up to make sure Mar was still on the beach LOL!!! I discussed for the first time with him how I was feeling about my weight. He told me how he felt. It turns out that he doesn’t feel how I thought he did! This was a big weight off my shoulders. He wasn’t just saying it, I could truly see that he meant what he was saying. I learned a lot more about him and can't wait to learn even more. I had a very nice car ride there and back, I only slammed on my breaks once (I wasn't driving) which is a feat in itself. No panic attacks or anxiety at all. At times "The Voice" tried to sneak in and say "what is wrong with you, you are in the car and suppose to be clenching your fists and teeth and wanting to jump out while it is moving, what’s going on?"I simply told it to get lost and off I went to a better place. On this trip I also asserted my own will I guess you could say. I chose not to go fishing. You see, I am always doing everything everyone wants and I do enjoy it, but sometimes I realized that I may enjoy doing something else as well every now and then. So as much as I love fishing with my family, we had already been earlier that morning and I really wanted to relax and finish my book under the tree, so I said that I would rather stay back and they should go and have fun!!! Guess what???? THE WORLD DIDN'T COLLAPSE, and MY FAMILY DIDN'T DISOWN ME!!!! They were very supportive!!! It was rather nice for all three of us. Just in that one day, I not only did something because I wanted to and voiced my feelings, I stayed by myself in a strange place, and "The Voice" that normally would have told me I couldn't, shouldn't do it was no where to be found . . . What an accomplishment . . . "

"THE VOICE . . . "

I just finished reading "Women Food and God" A must read for all of you who have a weight problem or think you do. Having read this book, I realized so many things that have absolutely nothing to do with my weight. It was a real eye opener . . . as I already knew, you can change the outside all you want, but 9/10 times, it isn't what is on the outside that needs fixing. I figured out that as much as I thought I love being around my family (and I still do)I realized that I am using them to make me happy, when I should be looking to myself for the happiness. I am responsible for my own happiness, no one else. I can say "no" and the world won't fall apart. I can do things on my own and I/they will all be fine. I also learned that I have an over active "voice" that ironically talks more than I do (if you can believe that!!!). Everyone has "The Voice."It acts as a “moral compass.” The voice steps in when we want to challenge the "norm.” When used positively it can be very useful, but when it starts running your life and prevents you from seeing things objectively and with honest truth, then it begins draining your strength, passion and energy and turns it against you. You begin believing these distorted ½ truths and it leaves you feeling defeated and weak and you desperately need a quick fix!!!"The biggest obstacle to any kind of transformation is the voice that tells you it is impossible. It says: You've always been like this, you'll always be like this, what's the point . . . have you taken a look at those arms recently" . . .That hair. Those thighs. Why do you even bother? . . ." If you are constantly telling yourself that you are fat and should be ashamed of yourself, you will begin believing it and then the cycle begins. You will continue to be ashamed and anxious. The key is to disengage from "The Voice"and when you do you can begin to ask yourself what you are unhappy with, is there anything you can do to change it? Give "The Voice" a name. This is very important in my life as I used to always walk around listening to myself say . . . "there is food over there, I am going to think about it and then want it before I know it.” I say this in my mind before I even feel it, setting myself up for failure. It doesn't just affect my eating, it affects my life all around from getting into the car ( I am telling myself that I am going to be anxious and I don't want to go), setting myself up before I even get into the car, telling myself I can't go anywhere alone or I will be pent up with fear and anxiety, my family will miss me and I won't enjoy it, so why bother . . . I have been bound by "The Voice" in a very negative way and I refuse to let that continue any longer. I am giving myself a "New Voice" and lets see where that takes me . . .